and if you go.

last night we for some reason decided to drink the entire bottle of jd. whatever.
it was an ok night.
i'm freaking out.
we're in a bar with our friends and they want some drama, or so he says, they want us to kiss and then you to kiss heather and then all three of us to kiss
i don't think heather like girls.
hmm
...
so then i go to get some money for the bill and they're like, why don't ya'll make out and i don't know what made me do it - what made me do it? i just went and kissed him on the lips. and he kissed me back. hard. tongue. oh shit. it only was about 10 seconds i bet. and i could hear them in the background, they're making out!

got the money for the bill, went and paid it.
left the bar.
he's talking about how s and k are always asking why we don't date.
so i fucking said it.
why don't we date, j?
him: i don't know. i mean, we're together all the time.
me: yeah, we are.
him: have you ever thought about it?
me: oh yeah
him: really?
me: why, have you?
him: well yeah...

turns out he's had a crush on me since we started working together. september. maybe october. less than mine. but...WHAT?!

we're walking. holding hands. he's asking about that time i grind danced on him at halloween and how he had tried to put it out of his head, because he didn't really think it was about him. i told him some stuff too. it was snowing so hard while we were walking and then suddenly we had stopped walking, and we're kissing. kissing in the snowstorm. he's up against the fence, i've got his wrists in my hands. it's hard, hot, so much. so much. i put his wrist above his head on the fence and he moans slightly. i never ever fucking thought it would happen.


so now we're back at the apartment and he wants to talk about it but then eveyone is home. i make some drunk phone calls while he hangs out in the kitchen. then he comes in my bedroom. says, i don't really want anyone to know. like our rommmates. like m. she would die. i get some water, spend the night in his bedroom.

like...practically the hottest makeout session i've ever had.
he told me i was beautiful.
he whispered my name.


and then it was morning.
and i wonder how he feels.
what the fuck is this shit? it can't be real.
there can be no fucking way that he liked me this whole time i liked him.
and when we're walking last night he was like, i'm an asshole, i'm so fickle, larisa, you don't know me.
and i know he's right.

this boy is going to fucking break my heart.


and now's he's lying in his bedroom, half asleep. and what i wouldn't give to go in there and just get wrapped up in him. but there's people home. so i can't. i can't do this whole forbidden love bullshit.

i've got to talk to him.
i've been trying to go to the store for gatorade for the last 5 hours.
so maybe i'll go and get him some and then maybe can talk.

holy fucking shit.