exceeded expectations

so it's january 3rd, 2006 and i've just realized that i am going no where with my life. i can't seem to find another job. interview after interview after interview.
had a long talk with jaimes tonight in where he told me that he's got alot of issues that he's working on about his body, and at this point in time he would just break my heart. he told me that he meant everything he said. and i do believe him.
i started crying, he started crying. talked to me about how his social network is breaking down, and how it has been since he's changed his gender. no one can accept him. i mean, i do, but he's not ready.
i guess i just thought..
i don't know.
the other night when we were walking home holding hands..
i was so...happy.
so in fucking love.
and kissing him in the snow..
i know that i'll get over it. and we talked alot tonight. and we're going to remain friends. best friends i hope. and i love him more than anything.
it's just time for me to move on.
i've got to get the fuck out of this place.
i can't see joshua anymore. i can't be pressured into this shit.
i no longer call duncan, but i bet he's going to be calling me.
i just need to be alone.
but i really don't.
because it's only him that i want.
but this is just going to be what i need to move me on.
I AM GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
i don't know where to.
i don't know what i'll do.
or where i'll go.
i don't know anything.
all i know right now is the way your lips feel against mine, and the sweet smell of your cigarette smoke covering my clothes, the way the tears dropped from your eyes, and your absolute beauty.
i know i'll be ok.
i know i'll be ok.
just give me a moment.