i've been sick lately.
not well at all.
i'm hoping things get better.
but right now i'm so sick.

talked tonight.
he needs space, i guess.
whatever that means.
said he can't talk to me about emotional crap anymore.
well this is how i talk. i don't talk shallow shit.
what do you want me to do?
not talk to you at all?

suddenly, i didn't know you anymore.

your eyes blink and suddenly your whole world is changed.
it's nothing you haven't experienced before.
when mike and jenessa died.
various other feelings.
things.
makes me want to slit my wrists open.
because all i really need is love.
someone who will fucking love me.
and not care that i'm fucking co-dependant.
because oh baby, i am.

i'm a good person, i know.
even he told me that.
but what does it even matter if this is always where i end up?

skyline of numbers.

i'm fucking numb.
but no.
no, i'm not.
because all i feel is the pain. right in my heart.
and my stomach is sick.
sick as a mother fucker.
and i can't sleep at night unless i take these pills,
and baby, these pills are dissapearing fast.

talked on the phone with p tonight.
move back to la
move back to la
move back to la
move back to la
move back to la
move back to la
move back to la
move back to la
he's swallowing hot peppers to cover his own feelings of heartbreak inside.
i want to cut myself, i said.
baby, no you don't - be like me - swallow some hot peppers..
i want a pile of drugs mother fucker, i'd do them all.
....
no, no.. you know i really don't want that...
i know you don't.

i just want.
to be secure.
and sane
within myself.


who the fuck are you, larisa, always taking on other people's lives? you have no life of your own and you know it. just try it for a moment... living for you, on your own....no one else's ideals.
by the time you're almost 26 you think you'd have this shit figured out by now.
doesn't all this experimenting go on in high school?
late bloomer late bloomer late bloomer late bloomer.
sometimes i don't want to do anything.
i have no modivation.
lazy motherfucker.
depression?

i was wasted out of my head, he says. oh. so does that make everything you said a goddamned lie?
and now you know.
that i guess i was in love with you.
utterly, and hopelessly in love with you.


but what am i to you?
some girl. that friend i had.
"co dependant girlfriend.."
what the fuck.
that's nice of you.
give me a fucking complex and shut me out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out
of your fucking life.


forever.
goodbye j.
goodbye everyone.