can't stand your loneliness.

i need some good hard clean acid.
too bad the only person i would even consider tripping with has quit doing all drugs. oh yes, and lives in florida.
i've been out of it.
'in a state of grief,' as my therapist says.
i guess i'm doing better.
i can speak now.
my words don't slur.
i can make some decisions.
it's been awhile since i seriously freaked out like that.
since i vanished from home, from life.
so no one knew where i was at any given time.
just those that i chose to call.
and i guess i supposed he wouldn't care.
and maybe i scared him just a little bit.
but i hardly think it matters anymore.
there's alot going on.
and yet i can't talk to anyone about it here.
and to be honest, i'm fucking mad at you.
you've gone and aroused all these emotions in me, and then you just fucking shut off.
goddamn it, i need a fucking man.
too bad all men are little fucking boys.

i can honestly say that i have no idea what's going on.
maybe i'll take one of those pills.
and actually take it and not snort it this time.




it's like.
i know there are people i can call.
but i can't talk about this anymore.
i can't talk about how i don't know where i'm going because i expect everyone else to have all the answers for me and they just don't.
no one does.
the answers are within me.....why...

*phone*

so yeah, that was alicia calling to make sure i was doing ok.
this weekend i did find out that i do have alot of places to crash if i need to. i have alot of people who do care deeply for me.
at this point i think i would do anything to feel better.

i guess i sort of have to break up with joshua even though we arn't actually dating.
who the fuck knows.
i'm sick of being jealous of you.
i'm sick of feeling uncreative.
i'm sick of my head exploding all the time.



i can't hang out with you if all you're gonna do is tell me that i need to attend al-anon meetings (???) when you don't even know what's going on with me and that it has nothing to do with alcohol.


clarify something please.
why i feel the need to grasp onto people so tight that i can no longer breathe.
and they can't breathe either.
and we just suffocate each other eventually.

sometimes i just want to sleep forever.
i don't know how much longer i can do this.
trite misery.

my klonopin presciption is running low.
i wonder if i'll be able to get it refilled.
i wonder that someone will think me a crazy drug addict. a pill addict and will deny me my klonopins.
when i think my klonopins are the one thing i've never actually abused.
(oh, but isn't that what they all say, larisa ann?)





can't stand your loneliness.


my friend g got engaged. he called to tell me. he's like the last person we'd ever think to be engaged.
i'll probably never be engaged.
how am i supposed to have a relationship when i can't get close to people?
when i push everyone away?

they always say aries are the worst people to marry.
oh well, i guess that's me.




maybe one day i'll find someone perfect for me.
and i won't have to feel threatened or scared.
or alone anymore.



but we'll see, i guess.









dear j,
i wish i could be close to you again. first it was you, and now it's me.
i'm in an emotional crisis and i don't know how to get out. and it doesn't help that it's about you, and i'm jealous of you all the time.
jealous of everyone.






i wish i was an artist.






i wish i was something.

more.
than just sitting here at this computer. or being 25 and feeling like you have to run away from home.
will i ever grow up?




dear larisa ann,
get your fucking shit together.












some of us may never sleep again.