dear words,
sometimes i feel like you're my only friend. and all i really have left. i feel so alone right now it's disgusting. i know it's all in my head. and that in reality, alicia and joshua have both called and left messages, and that i've called neither of them back. i suck.
everyone else i know seems to have people they can feel close to. why can't i feel the same? why do i want to be alone all the time, and then get sad when i have no one.

again..
more and more i feel like i need to leave this place.
today sasha said to me, larisa, you've been here forever, why are you not seeing new things. i wanted to hit him, that bastard... because he alwasys sees what i hate most.

fuck everyone today.
and fuck you, jim.
i feel like i really fucked up with you.
and now we have nothing to talk about but this stupid project and that's not what i meant earlier by the way.
i can't even remember the last time we laughed.
sometimes i can't remember anything.

i need to take some steps and move on with my life.

forget how it was supposed to be.

dear larisa ann,
bet you never thought you'd be in this position, did you? you always thought you'd be like madonna or something...famous. travelling. somewhere else. you always thought you'd be cool. have bleached blond hair. something to be proud of.

i want to do things but i'm so scared. so scared i'll always be alone. that i'll have no one to come home to.

and i hate myself.

i hate that i don't look on the bright side and appreciate what i have. i hate that i'm this fucking little brat. i hate that i don't help out the world. i hate that i'm uncreative. i hate that i hate my body. my personality. my lack of trust. my sexual disfunction and inability to feel anything.


i just don't want to be alone right now.


i guess perhaps i've lost him.
maybe it will get better.
i hope so.