the world doesn't stop - even if you do.
larisa - seriously,
happiness comes from inside, don't you know that? why do you keep looking for it other places?
tonight we did yoga to the amelie soundtrack and it touched me deep inside. i wanted to be somewhere better, somewhere new, somewhere where i could find love, inside and outside of myself.
i didn't want to be in cold boston, in a place where i don't know where i'm going - reading emails from jimmy about how he's submitting some experimental films, and thinking about how i wasted so much time freaking out and doing god knows what... when i could have just been being me, and making stuff for me, but no, i'll never be as cool as jaimes.
and that's a fact.
i want our friendship to go back to how it was before. my therapist claims that all the cards arn't out on the table yet, but what the fuck does she know?
i know that he's really confused and has alot on his plate right now - but i know that things have changed and it's killing me.
it's fucking killing me.
i miss that boy. i fucking miss him.
i miss our amazing friendship.
i mean, it's still there.
but like ...i feel different. and i think he feels different.
sometimes i don't feel as comfortable.
i can't tell him stuff.
and sometimes i don't want him to tell me stuff.
because i know he's on his way out of here and that he can't wait.
or can he?
what the fuck, larisa, why does it matter, stop wondering what the fuck jaimes is thinking and start wondering what the fuck YOU are thinking.
start thinking about what you want to do, because you only have this life, and that's it. and you better start fucking living it you fucking asshole because all you are doing is wasting
time time
time.
i want to love myself.
i really do.
(do i?)
i want to make art that i'm proud of. i want to be respected amongst my peers. i want to have someone (or several people) that i can feel close to.
i want to travel the world.
(but i sort of want a travel buddy...)
i want to see different things. i want to be zen.
i want to be in love.
with life.
with myself.
but not in an egotistic way.
it's time to make some goals.
i want a mentor.
a life mentor.
a woman. (because i've been feeling oh so womanly lately.)
a woman who has done what i want to do.
a strong woman.
i want someone i can relate to.
i know that when the time is right it will all work out.
(i hope it will anyways.)
but i also know that i need to take steps to make what i want to happen.
(whatever the fuck that is.)
..
time for dinner.
happiness comes from inside, don't you know that? why do you keep looking for it other places?
tonight we did yoga to the amelie soundtrack and it touched me deep inside. i wanted to be somewhere better, somewhere new, somewhere where i could find love, inside and outside of myself.
i didn't want to be in cold boston, in a place where i don't know where i'm going - reading emails from jimmy about how he's submitting some experimental films, and thinking about how i wasted so much time freaking out and doing god knows what... when i could have just been being me, and making stuff for me, but no, i'll never be as cool as jaimes.
and that's a fact.
i want our friendship to go back to how it was before. my therapist claims that all the cards arn't out on the table yet, but what the fuck does she know?
i know that he's really confused and has alot on his plate right now - but i know that things have changed and it's killing me.
it's fucking killing me.
i miss that boy. i fucking miss him.
i miss our amazing friendship.
i mean, it's still there.
but like ...i feel different. and i think he feels different.
sometimes i don't feel as comfortable.
i can't tell him stuff.
and sometimes i don't want him to tell me stuff.
because i know he's on his way out of here and that he can't wait.
or can he?
what the fuck, larisa, why does it matter, stop wondering what the fuck jaimes is thinking and start wondering what the fuck YOU are thinking.
start thinking about what you want to do, because you only have this life, and that's it. and you better start fucking living it you fucking asshole because all you are doing is wasting
time time
time.
i want to love myself.
i really do.
(do i?)
i want to make art that i'm proud of. i want to be respected amongst my peers. i want to have someone (or several people) that i can feel close to.
i want to travel the world.
(but i sort of want a travel buddy...)
i want to see different things. i want to be zen.
i want to be in love.
with life.
with myself.
but not in an egotistic way.
it's time to make some goals.
i want a mentor.
a life mentor.
a woman. (because i've been feeling oh so womanly lately.)
a woman who has done what i want to do.
a strong woman.
i want someone i can relate to.
i know that when the time is right it will all work out.
(i hope it will anyways.)
but i also know that i need to take steps to make what i want to happen.
(whatever the fuck that is.)
..
time for dinner.
posted by L | 5:27 PM
2 Comments:
Hey Larisa,
I often pine for a female mentor. I SO know what you're talking about! Sadly I have yet to stumble upon one. Maybe I just haven't made myself available to the world in a way that enables me to meet an individual who inspires me. I'm an extroverted hermit. Shouldn't that be a paradox?
I hope you're doing well. Thanks for your lovely comments on my blog. Isn't it crazy how big North America is? You and I are much much closer than I am to any of my family - especially Meghan.
I still have to send off this package I have for you. It's on my list of things to do and I just suck. It shouldn't take so long!! I should just DO IT! But then I hear a voice in my head that says "wait for a time where you're not rushed, you might want to add something else to the package." But of course this just leads to more procrastination.
Sigh!
Take care,
Erin
Hey L...
Assuming I'm not in jail for murdering my roommates 4 kids (at least 2 of them...) we may be needing a roommate in May. Think about coming to the 3rd coast!! :-D
Darbi
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