things are so confusing right now.
j has been kind of a jerk to me as of late. tonight he was totally taking out a bunch of stuff on me, but i noticed he was fine with everyone else. i stayed in tonight and worked on our project while all the roommies went to the bar. it was fine. i got to tap dance a bit. i cried really fucking hard.
when they came home i went and talked to j. he wants to talk more when he's sober, but he apologized and said something like, this is why i told you i was an asshole. i'm fucked up, he says. whenever i get close to someone i turn into an asshole..
i basically told him that if he needs time away from me, that's fine. just fucking tell me, asshole. i don't want our friendship to deteriorate and i'm really scared. i told him that too. then i said, goodnight, j - and walked away. as i went to leave he looked up and said, goodnight, green eyes, right at me.
what the fuck, j...
this is so fucking stupid.
both of us.
so fucking stupid.
i'm crazy in love with him, and from what i told my therapist about what he said - she thinks he's feeling the same thing.
i don't think he's in love with me.
wants to fuck me, maybe..
i don't know.
i don't think j falls in love.
but then again i never thought i would again either...
why does he have to push me away, the asshole.
he is fucked up.
and he's got alot to work on.
bravo, larisa, for once again finding the most unsuitable mate for yourself to crush on.
you fucking go.

i need to sleep, but i'm overtired.
i guess that's it.