on being bisexual.
i've been reading lots of articles tonight on bisexuality. i found a cool website - biresource.com.
i don't know. it's weird. i'm reading all these articles written by people who feel exactly the same that i do. like how i don't feel like i fit anywhere. i'm not hertero enough to be heterosexual. i'm not lesbian enough to be queer. i'm like forever in this middle sphere and i don't really know who i can talk to.
some days i wonder if i'm even queer. i think that i'd like to eventually end up with a man. but that's because i'm so girlish, i'm so emotional. i sometimes feel like being with a man will balance me out. plus, i've never really had a father figure who was present, and so i tend to adopt male friends to 'take care of me.' tell me it's going to be ok. all that fun and juicy stuff.
women... well..
women are amazing, marvelous, beautiful creatures. i want to kiss their soft lips, i want to nuzzle their breasts and fall asleep with them. i want to be all girly with them and play with each others hair. i want to have hot hot lesbian sex.
what am i looking for?
i've established that i don't really care for penises. i'm not sure when this started. i don't know if it had to do with being assaulted. it's a confusing blurry line. i just feel like penises hurt me. they're too big, no one takes their time... and they're so....impersonal. they just fucking hurt. when i was younger i was all brash and hard and talking about how i could take big penises. and maybe i could then, i don't really remember. i'm not sure if all that was for show or not.... but like.... right now the thought of a penis inside of me just scares me. they always hit my fucking cervix and fucking hurt hurt hurt. i don't get off on sex with penises. so what's the point?
other times i think i want a really butchy girl. but ..... i'm not sure if that's true. butchy girls tend to scare me, because i feel like i'm not lesbian enough for them. and .... i don't know .... i think i'd rather go for a feminine man than a butch girl. i like cute girls actually. sometimes with short hair, real spikey but with a really beautiful smile. other times girls with really long hair and oh so girly, femme, beautiful, amazing, hips...
*sigh*
it's so confusing because i feel like i want a man so he can take care of me, but i want a girl to feel comfortable with. because with men i always feel scared, always feel second best, always feel like 'the lesser.' like ... i'm not smart enough, or ... whatever. i'm not sure what i'm trying to say right now.
i've also been struggling with terms to identify myself with. sometimes i just want to be like, "i'm fucking queer!" but i don't really feel that way. when i think of queer and those i know who identify as queer ...i don't feel like i fit in. bisexal doesn't really fit either. i mean ... it does because it makes the most sense when you try to explain it to a heterosexual crowd..but i don't feel like it completely identifies me. what about androgenous and gender fluid people? it's not like i don't find them attractive. in fact ... gender doesn't really matter to me all that much. it's personality, smiles, caring, understanding, just that 'something about' a person. i thought of using the term omnisexual for awhile..but ...it just sounds so new age, so what the fuck, so something that people will look at me and go, "what?" while rolling their eyes. not that bisexual is much better because as they often say, "you might as well just remove the b and t in gblt because while gay and lesbian exists, bisexal and transgender people are just confused." we're on the fence. oh! we just haven't come out yet, that's it. or, it's just so cool and trendy to to bisexual right now, that's the deal.
i don't know. i wish i knew what i wanted. i wish this wasn't all so confusing. i wish i didn't care about labels or what people thought of me.
i can't wait for therapy on monday.
x
-- from a survey i took on a lgb study concerning my current therapy situation in realtion to being a bisexual woman --
It's been ok. She's been understanding. The only thing that bothered me was when she said that sometimes bisexual women have trouble in relationships because from her experience with other bisexual women in therapy is that they always feel like they are missing something by not being with the other gender (whatever is opposite from who they are dating.) I'm not sure why it bothered me. Maybe it just stuck a chord. All in all my therapist has not given me any trouble or made me feel bad about being bisexual (or omnisexual which is more how I identify) though I do feel like she does not have much experience or resources to help me with these issues.
i don't know. it's weird. i'm reading all these articles written by people who feel exactly the same that i do. like how i don't feel like i fit anywhere. i'm not hertero enough to be heterosexual. i'm not lesbian enough to be queer. i'm like forever in this middle sphere and i don't really know who i can talk to.
some days i wonder if i'm even queer. i think that i'd like to eventually end up with a man. but that's because i'm so girlish, i'm so emotional. i sometimes feel like being with a man will balance me out. plus, i've never really had a father figure who was present, and so i tend to adopt male friends to 'take care of me.' tell me it's going to be ok. all that fun and juicy stuff.
women... well..
women are amazing, marvelous, beautiful creatures. i want to kiss their soft lips, i want to nuzzle their breasts and fall asleep with them. i want to be all girly with them and play with each others hair. i want to have hot hot lesbian sex.
what am i looking for?
i've established that i don't really care for penises. i'm not sure when this started. i don't know if it had to do with being assaulted. it's a confusing blurry line. i just feel like penises hurt me. they're too big, no one takes their time... and they're so....impersonal. they just fucking hurt. when i was younger i was all brash and hard and talking about how i could take big penises. and maybe i could then, i don't really remember. i'm not sure if all that was for show or not.... but like.... right now the thought of a penis inside of me just scares me. they always hit my fucking cervix and fucking hurt hurt hurt. i don't get off on sex with penises. so what's the point?
other times i think i want a really butchy girl. but ..... i'm not sure if that's true. butchy girls tend to scare me, because i feel like i'm not lesbian enough for them. and .... i don't know .... i think i'd rather go for a feminine man than a butch girl. i like cute girls actually. sometimes with short hair, real spikey but with a really beautiful smile. other times girls with really long hair and oh so girly, femme, beautiful, amazing, hips...
*sigh*
it's so confusing because i feel like i want a man so he can take care of me, but i want a girl to feel comfortable with. because with men i always feel scared, always feel second best, always feel like 'the lesser.' like ... i'm not smart enough, or ... whatever. i'm not sure what i'm trying to say right now.
i've also been struggling with terms to identify myself with. sometimes i just want to be like, "i'm fucking queer!" but i don't really feel that way. when i think of queer and those i know who identify as queer ...i don't feel like i fit in. bisexal doesn't really fit either. i mean ... it does because it makes the most sense when you try to explain it to a heterosexual crowd..but i don't feel like it completely identifies me. what about androgenous and gender fluid people? it's not like i don't find them attractive. in fact ... gender doesn't really matter to me all that much. it's personality, smiles, caring, understanding, just that 'something about' a person. i thought of using the term omnisexual for awhile..but ...it just sounds so new age, so what the fuck, so something that people will look at me and go, "what?" while rolling their eyes. not that bisexual is much better because as they often say, "you might as well just remove the b and t in gblt because while gay and lesbian exists, bisexal and transgender people are just confused." we're on the fence. oh! we just haven't come out yet, that's it. or, it's just so cool and trendy to to bisexual right now, that's the deal.
i don't know. i wish i knew what i wanted. i wish this wasn't all so confusing. i wish i didn't care about labels or what people thought of me.
i can't wait for therapy on monday.
x
-- from a survey i took on a lgb study concerning my current therapy situation in realtion to being a bisexual woman --
It's been ok. She's been understanding. The only thing that bothered me was when she said that sometimes bisexual women have trouble in relationships because from her experience with other bisexual women in therapy is that they always feel like they are missing something by not being with the other gender (whatever is opposite from who they are dating.) I'm not sure why it bothered me. Maybe it just stuck a chord. All in all my therapist has not given me any trouble or made me feel bad about being bisexual (or omnisexual which is more how I identify) though I do feel like she does not have much experience or resources to help me with these issues.
posted by L | 10:11 PM
2 Comments:
Oh, L ... why can't you live closer by? I'm the forever mother/nuturer and reading your blog posts just kills me because I want to go by and make you hot tea and sit down with you and tell you it will be okay. Because it *will* be okay ... someday.
Just some quick thoughts on "bisexuality". I suppose I'm bisexual too. I recognize attractiveness and enjoy the sexual company of both men and women. But that's just the "sex" part of it. I really believe that everyone, when it comes to relationships, is not any one gender specific. You will *click* with who you will click with - it's just a matter of whether or not you're open enough to pursue that relationship if you've considered yourself to be hetero before. I keep my options open to the possibility of both genders in every day in order not to miss out on that perfect *one* for me. Along the way there are trysts with both sexes. I have found my ONE and he is a guy ... it just happened that way. He's also one of the most feminine guys in many ways and most masculine guys in others. That's only one reason I love him so much. Bisexual doesn't mean you have to love one organ more than the other or give up one for the other. When you find your ONE you'll be perfectly content with all their bits and pieces - guaranteed. Just leave yourself open. Hopefully one day I can come and visit you ... or maybe you'll come here and I will make you hot tea and throw cards for you and tell you that everything WILL be okay. Huge hugs, girl, and take care of yourself.
Love,
Darbi
I full on agree with Darbi - I want to just hug you and tell you that you're not alone in your thoughts.
I've long since felt that most, if not all of us, have a certain bisexual nature. How can we not fine beauty in both our own sex and the opposite sex. It seems like each of us has this nature to a different degree. In the case of my mom, her attraction for her partner outweighs what she has felt for any man.
It's sad that we live in a world where we feel the need to compartmentalize ourselves and "know for certain" where we fit in. We certainly aren't nurtured to feel comfortable with ambiguity. Look at how our society treats little ones - before we're born people pick out blue for boys and pink for girls.
That being said, I know that on a personal level there is a sense of comfort in knowing where I "fit in". Regardless of societal norms or expectations. It just feels so bewildering to not know.
I remember Meghan and I saying to eachother when we were in middle school and first becoming aware of our own sexualities that we thought that everyone was bisexual to some degree. Granting that freedom to ourselves helped me as I got older. I suppose it also helped a great deal to have a supportive mom who loved me regardless of what sexual orientation I identified with. It's tricky shit.
I think I've come to presently feel that it's not so much a person's sexual orientation or my own that matters but rather the chemistry between two people. The way personalities mesh and interests collide. It's so hard to explain. I've often wondered about what my mom would do if something happened to her partner. Would she seek out a relationship with another woman? I just don't know.
Take care girl, and keep on thinking good thoughts. You rock, regardless of where you're situated on the continuum.
XOXOX Erin
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