choking on the ashes of her enemy.

therapy sucked today. i cried for almost the entire hour and then on the way home.
been thinking about going back on anti-depressants. i don't know how to get out of this .... i thought it might be gone... i hate feeling so crippled by my depression.. is this really a chemical imbalance? wtf? why? why do i have to be this way? anxious...bed ridden, don't want to talk to anyone or do anything.. is this all from having my heart broken?
it can't be?
something must be going on.
i need to find a free clinic because my periods are up to 15 days long each month.
my mind, body, and spirit are not aligned.
at all.
today my therapist told me that she cared about me. then she got a little upset because she knew i didn't believe her. she asked if i trusted her and i balked. what do you say? why would i trust a therapist, i said, you get paid to do this. and she said, you can pay me for my time, but you can't pay me to care.
i don't know.
she wants to see me more than once a week (and at this point in time i really do need it.) but i don't have insurance, and she is already seeing me at a reduced rate. there is really nothing i can do.
i bought some flax oil - omega 3. it's supposed to be good for depression. it feels like fat on my tongue and i hate it. but i'm going to try it for awhile.
i can't take st. johns wort because i found out that gelatin is ground hooves/bones. ew!!!!
my tap class was fun tonight. i like my teacher. she's like a drill sargeant.
i wish i didn't feel this way.
i just want peace of mind.
these days it seems even farther away than ever before.
i'm going to make a trip to my parents house to pick up my old journals from when i was a teenager. i'm thinking that if i work through all the shit that happened to me when i was 14 then i might get to the root of some issues now.
who knows.
i wish i was confident in being out.
then i could have a cute girlfriend and be all girly and talk pride.
i'm thinking i might call one of these ridiculous hotlines.
i remember calling one when i was 16, and i said, help me, i can't stop fucking my girlfriend. i don't remember it helping much.
i'm trying to remember that things will get better.
i mean ... things have to get better.
i'm still holding down two jobs, and i'm eating and sleeping. so i'm not totally fucked just yet. i also have been pretty sober. drank a little the other night at dinner, but i just hate being fucked up lately. i think it's because i really want to figure some stuff out, and it's impossible when i have drinking et al on top of that.
right.
i need the biggest vacation of my life.
today is good. i do not feel suicidal today.
oh yeah, and fuck my friend d - i simply do not need people in my life who think i am "amusing." yes, i will agree that i can be funny, but i don't find it funny when i'm trying to work through shit and you just find everything i do so fucking funny. oh my god, it's just so funny that i fell in love with a transgendered man and then had to run away from home. riiight. what the fuck is wrong with you? it's so irritating. i'm sick and tired of people finding out about j and making some sort of ridiculous fetish comment about his lack of a penis or whatever. what don't these people get? why is it so important to them how he would "fuck me?" why does anyone care?
anyways, i'm tired, and i should be doing this animation project, but i think i'll just go to bed.
or at least get something to drink because i ate these onions and now i'm hella thirsty.

night.