when studying david lynch i read a quote of his that said, "i want my films to be moving paintings." and i sort of feel that way too.
j wrote a proposal for the thing we were going to do together. for some reason it hit me right in the heart, even though i wasn't going to do it anymore myself ... i don't know...
i just couldn't come through.
right now i need to work on myself.
it's really scary to look at how much work i need. i really want to make it there someday. to be a happy, connected, person who has accepted herself.
i've been doing alot of yoga.
and today i bought a yoga magazine.
i want it to help me.
i really do.
i'm so sick of being so scared all the time that my stomach is sick. and i'm sick of feeling so alone that i can't function.
i've been thinking of going back on antidepressants.
i really don't want to, but i'm having alot of trouble seeing the good in anything lately.




*******

j came in and we talked for awhile.
he told me he plans on moving to berlin. he's been sending emails to people everywhere to get the hell out of here.

me?
i'm thinking of moving to san francisco in september.
my friend a is moving out there for a med residency.
for four months. she was like, why not move out there with me? then if you like it you can stay, and if you hate it you can leave.

one day at a time.
one day
at a time.