don't worry baby. it'll be alright.
sometimes i feel like my brain is a traffic jam. all these cars pile up and get annoyed, there's too much traffic.. then they start all beeping their horns and the noise gets so loud that it blocks out everything else. i can't think or see clearly.
i want to cut my brain open and drain it and start all over. i don't want to have any baggage.
i know it sounds silly, but sometimes suicide really does seem like the only option. i really don't want to live like this forever, and i get really sick of being so exhausted all the time. but i'm only exhausted because of myself. my thoughts. my endless racing or traffic jam kind of thoughts.
i know that i need serious help.
but i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i go to therapy every week. i sleep, i eat. i haven't been taking drugs. i'm not sleeping around. i just feel such ultimate dispair all the time. this constant doom. and the anxiety! i just don't know..i don't know what to do with myself. i hate feeling this negative and i'll picture in my head this marvelous future. when things get better. but what makes things get better? how do things get better when the problem rests inside yourself? why does my "brain chemistry" need to be all fucked up? and is it? what is this? what is depression? what causes it? i know that it can be caused by all sorts of factors, but i don't understand how i was affected so young. and why it simply ceases to resist. this isn't teenage angst. even as a teenager i knew it wasn't teenage angst. but i wish it was. i wish i could grow out of this and not feel so trapped by my own thoughts, trapped by my own being. and the funny this is, i read this and it makes sense. and i do think it makes sense. how is it that i can so clearly descibe what this is like, and these feelings, yet have no idea how to get out of them? why can't i just describe my own way out? larisa, why?
it's really hard for me to really admit that i'm suicidal. i hate it. i don't want to tell anyone because i hate burdening people. i hate it i hate it i hate it. i wish i could talk to j about it. i wish i was still friends with j. i mean yeah..i guess we're friends, but i don't feel like we're really friends anymore. things are just so different with us now, and sometimes i just want him to disappear. it's easier not having him around. not having to look at him. i hate getting my heart broken. i hate it. we'll probably never be real friends again, not as long as i feel this way. when i was walking home from work earlier i was thinking about how i wish i viewed j as a brother. i wish i didn't get so jealous of him. (and everyone else.)
sigh.
so i'm thinking tonight perhaps i'll call the samaritans suicide hotline. i need to talk to someone who doesn't know me. and i need to admit to someone else that i'm suicidal. i'm going to wait till after 9 when my phone is free and call them. i'm not sure what i'll say yet. i don't want to portray an image that i'm in immediate need. i don't really feel like hurting myself tonight. but i do feel like making a plan. and i feel relatively calm enough to do so. and it's so sick that when i think of making a plan i almost feel better. short steps to action. baby steps.
though i'm not sure how i'd really do it. i mean.. i could take all of my pills. but i really love my pills for getting me through hard times, and it just seems so disrepectful to do that to them. and if it didn't work? they'd never let me refill my persciption again. i also have all those seroquil that v gave me. but even thinking about it .... i'm sure that i'm too much of a wimp. i know that i'd most likely swallow all these pills and then make myself throw up. and i don't want to do anything violent either. i don't want anybody to have to find me. i don't want to hurt anyone. i just sort of wish that i would cease to exist. have no one remember that i once existed and just be able to fade away into nothing. i've felt this way before in the past, and it just adds more and more stress to the suicide debate. i don't want to do this to my friends and family, but at the same time, i have no idea what else to do. and who am i living for anyways? other people seem to want you to live for them, but like ...i don't know .. what the fuck? no one seems to be really happy, so are they just wanting you to stay around for the ride of hell with them? who is the "selfish" one in this case?
and they do say that suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem. but what constitues a temporary problem? i'm almost 26 and i've been severely depressed since i was about 14. we're coming up on 12 years here. how is this temporary, especially when there seems to be no end in sight?
the one thing that really scares me is the roof. i've got such a perfect roof, which such a beautiful view. and i think it's the one thing i really could do. sometimes i'll think of it so vividly that it seizes my stomach and i'll do anything to block it out. paint, yoga, typing in this thing, the suduko puzzle, calling someone..... just to get the thought out of my head of how easy it would be to bring one foot after another over the edge and stand for one moment of sheer brillance before tumbling into eternity.
sometimes i wish i could call the world and say, 'hey world, i've got a suicide plan.' and then some angel of being would come down and clear the memories from my mind, clear the dark air, clear the black void, and make everything pure blue.
oh, how i long to be saved. sometimes i feel that i should have just gotten married when i was 20, fuck that fact that my ex fiance isn't the right one for me, fuck it all, i should have just gotten married. because at least then we'd have each other through all this mess. i'm so sick of feeling like i have no one, no one real. which is bullshit, because i do .. i just ...i want someone that can fix this for me.
"fix me now, i wish you would, bring me back to life.."
want to know a secret?
i miss jenessa.
i miss you jenessa ann.
and i think about all of that.
jenessa, i'm just so sorry..still.
i know .. well i guess i know .. deep inside that i'm not responsible for your death. but i do feel that way. i do feel like it was my friend, my responsibility. and that if i hadn't met mike, you would have never met him either. and there you were, jenessa ann, so full of happiness and light and love. and there was me, full of drugs and alcohol with self inflicted wounds all over my arms, and who's the one who dies?
i know you could have made an impression on this world, jenessa.
and i wish i could talk to you now. but there's no where to call. there is no where to call where i can reach you because you've left this world.
10 minutes till 9pm.
i wonder if i'll actually have the guts to call.
i want to cut my brain open and drain it and start all over. i don't want to have any baggage.
i know it sounds silly, but sometimes suicide really does seem like the only option. i really don't want to live like this forever, and i get really sick of being so exhausted all the time. but i'm only exhausted because of myself. my thoughts. my endless racing or traffic jam kind of thoughts.
i know that i need serious help.
but i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i go to therapy every week. i sleep, i eat. i haven't been taking drugs. i'm not sleeping around. i just feel such ultimate dispair all the time. this constant doom. and the anxiety! i just don't know..i don't know what to do with myself. i hate feeling this negative and i'll picture in my head this marvelous future. when things get better. but what makes things get better? how do things get better when the problem rests inside yourself? why does my "brain chemistry" need to be all fucked up? and is it? what is this? what is depression? what causes it? i know that it can be caused by all sorts of factors, but i don't understand how i was affected so young. and why it simply ceases to resist. this isn't teenage angst. even as a teenager i knew it wasn't teenage angst. but i wish it was. i wish i could grow out of this and not feel so trapped by my own thoughts, trapped by my own being. and the funny this is, i read this and it makes sense. and i do think it makes sense. how is it that i can so clearly descibe what this is like, and these feelings, yet have no idea how to get out of them? why can't i just describe my own way out? larisa, why?
it's really hard for me to really admit that i'm suicidal. i hate it. i don't want to tell anyone because i hate burdening people. i hate it i hate it i hate it. i wish i could talk to j about it. i wish i was still friends with j. i mean yeah..i guess we're friends, but i don't feel like we're really friends anymore. things are just so different with us now, and sometimes i just want him to disappear. it's easier not having him around. not having to look at him. i hate getting my heart broken. i hate it. we'll probably never be real friends again, not as long as i feel this way. when i was walking home from work earlier i was thinking about how i wish i viewed j as a brother. i wish i didn't get so jealous of him. (and everyone else.)
sigh.
so i'm thinking tonight perhaps i'll call the samaritans suicide hotline. i need to talk to someone who doesn't know me. and i need to admit to someone else that i'm suicidal. i'm going to wait till after 9 when my phone is free and call them. i'm not sure what i'll say yet. i don't want to portray an image that i'm in immediate need. i don't really feel like hurting myself tonight. but i do feel like making a plan. and i feel relatively calm enough to do so. and it's so sick that when i think of making a plan i almost feel better. short steps to action. baby steps.
though i'm not sure how i'd really do it. i mean.. i could take all of my pills. but i really love my pills for getting me through hard times, and it just seems so disrepectful to do that to them. and if it didn't work? they'd never let me refill my persciption again. i also have all those seroquil that v gave me. but even thinking about it .... i'm sure that i'm too much of a wimp. i know that i'd most likely swallow all these pills and then make myself throw up. and i don't want to do anything violent either. i don't want anybody to have to find me. i don't want to hurt anyone. i just sort of wish that i would cease to exist. have no one remember that i once existed and just be able to fade away into nothing. i've felt this way before in the past, and it just adds more and more stress to the suicide debate. i don't want to do this to my friends and family, but at the same time, i have no idea what else to do. and who am i living for anyways? other people seem to want you to live for them, but like ...i don't know .. what the fuck? no one seems to be really happy, so are they just wanting you to stay around for the ride of hell with them? who is the "selfish" one in this case?
and they do say that suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem. but what constitues a temporary problem? i'm almost 26 and i've been severely depressed since i was about 14. we're coming up on 12 years here. how is this temporary, especially when there seems to be no end in sight?
the one thing that really scares me is the roof. i've got such a perfect roof, which such a beautiful view. and i think it's the one thing i really could do. sometimes i'll think of it so vividly that it seizes my stomach and i'll do anything to block it out. paint, yoga, typing in this thing, the suduko puzzle, calling someone..... just to get the thought out of my head of how easy it would be to bring one foot after another over the edge and stand for one moment of sheer brillance before tumbling into eternity.
sometimes i wish i could call the world and say, 'hey world, i've got a suicide plan.' and then some angel of being would come down and clear the memories from my mind, clear the dark air, clear the black void, and make everything pure blue.
oh, how i long to be saved. sometimes i feel that i should have just gotten married when i was 20, fuck that fact that my ex fiance isn't the right one for me, fuck it all, i should have just gotten married. because at least then we'd have each other through all this mess. i'm so sick of feeling like i have no one, no one real. which is bullshit, because i do .. i just ...i want someone that can fix this for me.
"fix me now, i wish you would, bring me back to life.."
want to know a secret?
i miss jenessa.
i miss you jenessa ann.
and i think about all of that.
jenessa, i'm just so sorry..still.
i know .. well i guess i know .. deep inside that i'm not responsible for your death. but i do feel that way. i do feel like it was my friend, my responsibility. and that if i hadn't met mike, you would have never met him either. and there you were, jenessa ann, so full of happiness and light and love. and there was me, full of drugs and alcohol with self inflicted wounds all over my arms, and who's the one who dies?
i know you could have made an impression on this world, jenessa.
and i wish i could talk to you now. but there's no where to call. there is no where to call where i can reach you because you've left this world.
10 minutes till 9pm.
i wonder if i'll actually have the guts to call.
posted by L | 5:15 PM
1 Comments:
L ... I just saw this today. You can call me. We'll talk. I've got a bunch of crap in my life right now too. We'll compare shittiness. I'll try and talk you into moving to Houston. Maybe I'll have phone sex with you! :-) Or maybe that's just the booze talking (sweet juice of the gods that's keeping me sane right now...)
Talk to you soon! I lost your damn email address. Do you have mine still. Email and I'll send you my numbers in case you ever need them.
Hugs,
Darbi
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