just clap your hands. and say yeah.

i talked with mark today for a long time. he told me that everything is going to be ok. that it's just going to take time. but that each day is a new day, and every day is a new day, and each day could be drastically different from the next. and not to expect too much, of myself or anyone else, i guess.
i just wish i didn't feel this heavy feeling in my heart.
i can't wait to go to therapy on saturday and talk about all of this.
i feel crushed inside.
i'm ok during the day, but i've been crying before i go to sleep at night. it's so pathetic, really. it's not like i ever really expected anything to come out of anything.
it's not like i expected to get a job i like, or the boy i want, or any of that. it's not like i ever thought i'd really have the guts to move out of boston, or look for jobs elsewhere, or to go overseas. it's not like i expected anything.
or did i?
so last night he finds a cool place to intern at in berlin.
hot, i said. nice. rock on.
*weep*
larisa ann, when are you going to start living for yourself and not other people?
every day is a new day.
every day is a new day.

joshua always tells me that all you can do for today is make the best choices for today. and once those choices are made, then you really can't do anything else but wait for the next day and make the best choices for that day. it's all about AA. except i'm not into AA. i don't have any fucking 12 steps to live up to, and although i understand that it may work for joshua, but it doesn't work for me. and then i get irritated because he's on step 4, but he expects so much from me - i want to say .. how about you fucking call me when you're on step 12 and then we'll talk. and then i'll realize that i'm such a bitch.

my new years resolution is to be nicer.
i want to be a nice person.

ugh, i had some eggs not too long ago and i feel really sick. it's also pretty cold in my apartment, which i HATE.

why is it not fucking summer?
why am i not in a place that is like summer?

LARISA ANN, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKING WIMP?

fuck everything, ya know?





also, lately i hate my body.
i feel like i have a fucking tire around my middle.
i'm so out of shape.
but it's my own goddamn fault. it's not like i work out. i go to my tap class once a week, but that's footwork, not working out.
i just want to feel good about myself.

i've also been extremely tired.
depression?
i don't know.
i stopped eating meat about a month ago - but i don't think i've been substituting correctly. maybe that's it? i'm not even sure how to substitute. i've also been STARVING lately. maybe i'm getting my period? i honestly have no idea what's going on. i take a multivitamin every day and vitamin c pills, and i don't feel sick. just exhausted. i'll get 8 hours of sleep a night but by 7pm i'll be ready for bed.

i guess i should stop typing now, as i don't really know what i'm saying and i'm hungry - ha, again - i don't know. maybe i'll call my mom or dry my hair, or do something else for awhile.

maybe.